Here's another piece of art I had to write for my job:
Here at the UPS Store, we always try to do our best to always go the extra mile and give each customer a one hundred and ten percent satisfactory experience, so it always pains us to hear that any customer is unsatisfied in any way by an experience at the store.
As certified Live Scan Technicians, we here at the store are also technically the face of the Certifix Live Scan Organization, and one downside to being such is that sometimes customers are sent here by their employers to have a Live Scan performed, but are not necessarily informed by their employers of the cost and everything it entails, such as having an ORI number or an account number to give to us so that we are able to properly perform the procedure.
This customer in particular I believe unfortunately had issues with the high price of the Live Scan and the fact that we charge a fee here at the store that he was not informed of ahead of time by his employer, and presumably he had not called ahead for any information regarding the procedure.
As for being "under the influence" my co-workers and most of our regular customers I'm sure can attest to the fact that I was most certainly not under the influence of any type of substance, have never been aggressive with any customer, I am usually the one to step in and try to calm the situation any time there is an issue with an agitated customer.
The Live Scan was completed correctly and as far as I know there was no issue other than the customer seemingly having issue with the prices for the procedure, which unfortunately there's nothing I can really do anything about.
Hopefully the customer will return again so we can have a second chance to deliver great customer service, and hopefully give him a reason to leave with a smile on his face.
Today's my day off and my work called me and they made me write this thing about this asshole at work and I decided to spin a negative into a positive and just pretend it's some short story I wrote or something. You know, people who go to stores are some of the worst people in the world. At least they are when you work in a store. Boy I sure hope I end up on unemployment again soon!
I came to work Wednesday morning at 9am on June 1st.
Around 12:30 or 1 I'm not sure of the exact time, I received a phone call on the store phone. The customer immediately began yelling and cursing at me about some missing packages. I knew nothing of the situation at the time and had no idea who this person was.
Eventually I got it out of him that he was a box holder number (censored) and that he was supposedly missing 7 packages. I tried to explain to him, though he would not really listen to me, that this was the first I had heard of the situation and if he would calm down and stop cursing and being rude to me that I would help him the best that I could.
I later found out from my co-workers that he had also called last night acting the same way.
He wanted to speak to the owner or the manager, I told him that the manager would be in in about two hours and he could either call back or I can leave a message for him to call when he arrives. He would not accept this for an answer and demanded that I give him the owners cell phone number, the managers cell phone number and my full name and cell phone number.
I refused to give him anyone's personal phone numbers, and due to the way he was speaking to me I also refused to give him any information other than my first name.
He then proceeded to scream at me and threaten to come beat me up.
He said that he was going to "drag me out into the street and chop my head off."
I told him that I would not help him anymore, that the manager would be in at 3:30 and he could call back and talk to him and I hung up the phone.
He called back again immediately and the threats and cursing continued.
He called my co-workers and cursed and threatened them as well.
I don't know anything about this person on the other end of the phone, maybe he's actually crazy enough that he will come to the store and attempt to chop my head off.
I take the threat seriously and call the Los Angeles Police Department non-emergency line.
I tell them everything that is happening and how this person has threatened to murder me.
I give the police the phone number he has been calling from.
The customer refused to ever give me his name so I am not able to provide that information.
The police officer on the phone calls him on the other line while I hold. He tells me that he has him on the other line and I inform the officer that I refuse to speak to this man.
The officer gets off the phone with him and tells me that the customer is accusing me of stealing his packages and is accusing me of fraud.
He recommends that I try again to sort this out with the customer and if the customer does show up at the store to attempt some sort of violence to call them.
He also advises me that I could go to the police station and file a police report.
This is an option that I have not yet pursued but am contemplating.
The customer has been continuing to call the store constantly before and during my conversation with the police.
At this point I have already written the customers phone number down and advised my co-workers not to answer his calls.
I take the advice of the police officer and take his call attempt to get the tracking numbers of the supposedly missing packages. I manage to get a few of the tracking numbers down on paper but he continues to be rude and insulting, he continues to curse at me until I inform him that I am no longer willing to help him with this situation and that he will have to call back when the manager arrives.
He does not take this well, says he refuses to wait for the manager. Tells me that he is going to keep calling the store non-stop if I don't "give him his packages."
I tell him he can call the store as much as he wants and we will not be answering and that when the manager arrives he will contact him.
The customer continues to call non-stop. We ignore his calls and attempt to take calls from the other customers.
That is until he starts calling us from other lines and either tries to speak in different voices or has different people calling us.
This constant barrage of phone calls is making it very difficult for us to focus on the numerous customers in the store who we are trying to help.
It is also tying up the phone lines so that none of our other customers are able to call into the store.
I made the decision that it seemed like the best option would just be to unplug the phone lines and not take any calls.
I managed to get i think 3 of the tracking numbers for the supposed 7 packages he claimed that we had stolen from him.
I looked them up in the computer and was able to verify that these packages that the customer had been harassing us over had indeed been picked up and signed for by one of the customer's employees who he often sends to pick up his mail for him and who we in the past have had him verify over the phone are his employees and are authorized to pick up his mail for him.
We are also able to find a date and time for when these packages were picked up and signed for.
And thanks to the security cameras we utilize in our store, we are able to go to the date and time and verify with a clear visual that his employee had indeed been to the store and has picked up and signed for his packages.
The customer took it upon himself to call our store and threaten me with violence. He literally threatened to murder me.
And in the end it turned out it was literally for no reason at all. Because he didn't take the time to check if he or his employees had in their possession a few packages.
I take his threat seriously and I do not intend to have any further interactions with this customer or any of his employees on company time or on personal time.
I found a big stack of these fliers one day up the street from the church.
I thought the least I could do was spread the word.
If you want a copy I have like 3 left.
A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE BLACKMAN JOHN MELVIN SMITH AND THE FAILURE OF HIS BLACK PARENT'S TO PREPARE HIM FOR ADULTHOOD.
Earlier this year I met John Melvin Smith a homeless blackman living on skid row. He told me his story of how he got there to begin with. He was born in Little Rock, Arkansas on February 15, 1975 to railroad worker Jim Melvin Smith and waitress JoAnn Mary Smith. John is a dark skin as well as his parents. John is 5 foot 7 and very articulate in his speech. He lived in Little Rock until 1977 when his father moved the family to St. Louis, Missouri. His father found a better paying job working for the railroads. John lived in St. Louis until 1982 when his father moved the family again this time to Los Angeles, California. His father found a better paying railroad job and his mother continued working as a waitress. Both of John's parents are high school dropouts.
John grew up in an almost middle class situation because of parents combined income, especially because of his father railroad job. John lived in the Mid-City neighborhood of Los Angeles in a one story orange Spanish style house with small front and a big back yard. John went to Marvin Avenue Elementary School from 1982 until 1987. He attended Louis Pasteur Junior High from 1987 to 1990. John attended Dorsey High School from 1990 until his graduation in June 1993. He was the first person to graduate from high school in his family. John was a "B" average student in high school thanks to the intensive tutoring at school and his will to succeed. He got a job at Burker King in spring 1993 during his senior year. In 1993, John enrolled in Los Angeles- Trade Technical College with the goal to become a chef. This is when his father started telling him "You are not going to be a chef." , "You should work in the railroad business." John's mother supported his choice to be a chef. There was another problem, in 1991 at 16 YEARS OLD JOHN ASKED HIS PARENTS TO HELP HIM GET HIS DRIVER LICENSE. His parents said they were too busy to help him get his driver license. His parents DID NOT TEACH him how to open a bank account, save money, write a check, pay bills, pay rent and vote.
John refused to listen to his father and stayed in college. His parents started arguing a lot. The relationship deteriorated to the point where John was kicked out of the house in 1994 by his father. John became homeless at 19 years old, lost his Burger King job and dropped out of college. John is a homeless blackman who never had an APARTMENT, DRIVER LICENSE or a GIRLFRIEND. In America is bad to be a blackman to begin with, strike 1. A homeless blackman with no driver license, no car, no apartment and no friends is even worse. The neglect of John's parents to prepare him for adulthood caused his downfall. How tragic.
By: Marissa Maria Dominguez de Leon August 2014 in West Hollywood, CA
I know some people who won't even watch an Ernest movie because they just assume its really stupid or something.
Well guess what, most of the Ernest movies are pretty good and some of them are really good.
A couple are a little embarrassing but that's ok.
There are like 4 to 4 and a half real ones that actually came out in the movie theatre and had some effort put into them, the rest of them mostly just went straight to dvd I guess I don't know the whole history. I'm just gonna go from memory and I guess this will be in order.
This is just my personal list, feel free to share your own. If you disagree maybe you can change my mind.
I'm not really counting the tv shows or specials or any of that extra stuff, but as an added bonus I'll get into them after.
Some of these are available to watch in full online and some of them aren't. I'll link to everything that is so you can get caught up.
NUMBER ONE:
Ernest Goes to Camp.
While Ernest Goes to Camp might not technically be my absolute favorite of the Ernest movies, I put it at number one because it's technically the first one that came out at the theaters. Its actually one of the first movies I ever remember seeing at the theaters.
There are a couple celebrities in the mix as well such as:
Lyle Alzado who was kind of a big thing at some point i think.
as well as that dude who was in "Mi Vida Loca" and played Selena's brother in the movie. He was also in this movie I used to like called "Gas Food Lodging" by the same director that I saw late at night on HBO when I was a little kid. He's been in a lot of stuff thats all I can think of off the top of my head. Oh yeah he was in "Traffic."
He was a little kid in this.
I remember there was some dude staying with us at my families house and we all went to see this and he decided not to come watch this with us but to go see "Down and Out in Beverly Hills" instead probably because he's one of those people who think an Ernest movie is stupid and can't appreciate that its just dumb and funny. I've watched "Down and Out in Beverly Hills" as a grownup and it actually fucking sucks and he probably would have liked Ernest Goes to Camp way more.
Well fuck him its a good movie and you should watch it and give Ernest a chance.
Number Two:
Ernest Scared Stupid
This is probably actually my favorite of all the movies but gets number two due to sentimental value of Ernest Goes to Camp.
This is probably the one that people who wouldn't want to watch an Ernest movie would like the most.
I just realized re-watching this a few weeks ago that the trolls in this movie look a whole lot like some of the trolls from Troll 2
Ernest Scared Stupid came out about a year after Troll 2 so I wonder if maybe they reused some of these troll masks or if somebody from Troll 2 worked on Ernest Scared Stupid. Also like why would an Ernest movie just randomly be trolls and not some other kind of monster or something. idk maybe they're connected somehow. Maybe someday I'll do a deep imdb search of who worked on both movies. Or maybe somebody can answer this for me.
I remember there was this dude at my church who used to pass out Jesus tracts with my parents and this one day for some reason he took me to this movie.
I don't know how old he was or what but he seemed fine.
We went to a toy store or something after that and I think I got him to buy me a wrestling action figure or not sure maybe if maybe I was still into G.I. Joe's at that time, but I remember him saying to me these exact words, "I just wanna buy things for you."
At the time I was like "hell yeah" but looking back I thought that was kind of weird.
Also I think there was some weird thing that happened with him shaking my younger brother or something like that and he didn't come to our house anymore.
Number Three:
Ernest Saves Christmas
"Ernest Saves Christmas" is actually the highest grossing of all the Ernest movies and for me its right up there with some of the other classics like Home Alone, National Lampoons Whatever the Christmas One is Called, and Whatever Other Movies I Like Watching During Christmas.
There's a lot going on in this movie besides Ernest, a lot of other characters doing stuff. It seemed like maybe it had the highest budget of all the movies.
Also my parents made a big deal out of how in the beginning Ernest is driving a taxi and he has a bumper sticker on his dash board that says "Keep Christ in Christmas."
I remember when we went to see this at the theatre we ended up getting there like halfway through so we missed a chunk at the beginning and my parents were just like screw it and we stayed and watched the next showing too and nobody seemed to have a problem with it.
I used to own this movie on dvd until the infamous "Ernestgate" of I think 2011 when I had a birthday party at Kristen Christians art gallery i forget what it was called and I had an Ernest movie marathon because she could show movies there.
I ended up blacking out and never got my movies back. She eventually blocked me because she asked us to sell band merch and she ended up selling our merch on consignment but she wouldn't give us the money for it. IDK its a long story i guess but the point is hey, if you see this movie on dvd for cheap anywhere can you get it for me?
This ones on youtube.
Number Four:
Ernest Goes to Jail
I don't have any particular fun stories that I can think of for this one, I just remember being so pumped when the trailer for this came on tv. And I got to see it. There were a lot of movies that I was pumped about when I was a kid and the nice thing about the Ernest movies was there want anything bad in any of them so I was excited about them and it usually worked out that I could go see them int he theatre because my parents liked them to.
I know I don't have as much to say about Ernest Goes to Jail but its just as good as the other ones.
Now those are the big four of the Ernest series. Those ones all were in the movie theaters and had commercials on tv and billboards and advertising and everyone knew they were coming out and everyone was excited about them and everyone who was smart went to see them at the theater and Ernest was a big deal all over the world.
But then I don't know what happened which leads me to:
Number Five:
Ernest Rides Again
This one was weird because I remember seeing commercials for it and wanting to see it and it never really seemed to come out in the theater or if it did it was for like a week.
Don't let that shitty trailer fool you, this one was still kind of working with a normal, if a little lesser, movie budget.
Its still pretty good I like it ok, but mostly because Ernest is still in top form, he just didn't have the material to work with that he did in some of the other movies.
It should be noted that at some point towards the end of the first four Ernest stops saying, "Hey, Vern."
What happened to Vern?
I guess people were just kind of getting over Ernest at this point. This was unfortunately the last of the Ernest movies to be released theatrically.
Fun Fact:
Ernest Rides Again features a cameo from Howard Stern "wack pack" member, the recently diseased Eric the Midget/ Eric the Actor
Now this movie definitely scared the shit out of me when I was a kid. The movie basically starts out with Ernest getting killed.
It's weird this is the first movie the people behind the Ernest movies ever made.
Ernest got pretty popular off doing a bunch of dumb commercials, so popular in fact that he got to be in big multimillion dollar movies, but then the first movie he ever makes barely has Ernest in it and its super weird and theres stuff in it thats pretty much completely inappropriate for the audience he's going for. And this would be pretty cool if the movie was good at all. Its pretty bad.
However due to at least the effort they seem to put in and the oddity of it I put it higher up on the list than it deserves mostly just because it left a big impression on me.
It was one of those things you remember seeing when you were a kid and being terrified of it and like twenty years later you're like "was that a real thing that Ernest movie that I was horrified of with like the weird robots and the torture machines and stuff?"
Turns out it is.
Number Seven:
Slam Dunk Ernest
So we're starting to get to the point where the movies suck.
Slam Dunk Ernest is pretty much the last movie before whoevers in charge of making Ernest movies just totally gives up and says fuck it lets get shittier cameras and stop even making scripts for this shit, and write before Ernest gets cancer and can't really walk in his movies.
This one however does have some sentimental value because I bought it on VHS in high school right around the time me and my friends really got into hard partying so we definitely sat in my room drunk/stoned(there was actually a time in my life when I smoked weed like every day all the time and I hated pretty much every second of it, but its actually not that bad if you do it and then just sit on a couch watching Ernest play basketball for hours).
Remember that movie "Like Mike" where the asshole kid gets magic shoes or some shit and becomes a good basketball player and it has Lil Bow Wow or Lil Romeo or whoever it was?
Slam Dunk Ernest is the exact same plot.
Ernests fun afterwork janitor basketball team gets so good because of Ernest that they get to play the Charlotte Hornets.
BUT WOULDNT IT MAKE MORE SENSE FOR THE HORNETS TO JUST DRAFT ERNEST WHY DO THEY NEED TO WASTE THEIR TIME PLAYING THE OTHER SHITTY JANITORS?
It's pretty cool Kareem-Abdul Jabbar was in this movie.
Also heres a weird one, Crispin Glover is in "Like Mike."
Well that last one isn't "Like Mike" but I like his dance.
But seriously Crispin Glovers cool and all but he's been in so many shitty movies, so what was his fucking problem with Back to the Future 2, right?
Back to the Future 2 is a lot better than "Like Mike."
Number Eight:
Ernest Goes to School
This is the first Ernest movie with no theatrical release that went straight to dvd. And to be fair I've maybe watched this once possibly twice or one and a half.
Its got some ok bits. One thing I don't like, which also goes for "Slam Dunk Ernest" is that Ernest gets a girlfriend and its this weird nerd girl and I don't see why he can't just have a normal girlfriend. I guess that sounds bad but I think what I'm saying makes sense if you watch all the movies. Or I can tell you what I'm talking about in person.
Also, this is pretty much the same plot as Billy Madison. Billy Madison is pretty good.
Ernest Goes to School came out first though.
Idk this movie has a couple ok bits in it but lets face it its a big step down. It looks cheaper but Ernest is kind of still trying.
But hey, get this, this is the first movie Will Sasso was ever in! Remember Will Sasso MadTV?
This is probably my favorite MadTV Sketch
Also I like this character
Tie For Last Place:
Ernest Goes to Africa
AND
Ernest in the Army
I didn't really feel the need to make separate entries for these two because basically they both suck. I'm definitely an Ernest completist who for some terrible reason needs to see every Ernest thing and I have a tough time getting through both of these. There seems to just be a huge drop off in effort and quality and of course Ernest in the Army is his last movie and according to the E True Hollywood Story(who remembers) on Jim Varney I saw years ago he could barely walk for Ernest in the Army because he was dying of lung cancer during it.
Ernest goes to Africa has Fela Kuti which is kind of cool but definitely not enough to save it.
I kind of wish he had stopped before these two but I guess somebody thought they could squeeze some more money out of Ernest movies which maybe they did hopefully who knows.
It would have been cool if he went out with a bigger bang than he did thats all.
I guess in the end the bad ones can't bring the good ones down.
The first four are all highly recommended.
If you're really that into them start making your way down the list and see how far you can get.
Trust me, it gets tougher towards the bottom.
Other Mentions:
There's a couple other good Ernest things out in the world.
The main one that some people probably know is that he kind of did his own version of Pee-Wee's Playhouse called "Hey, Vern, It's Ernest."
This show was awesome when I was a kid but unfortunately it's not like Pee Wee where adults can kind of enjoy it too, its pretty much just for kids and doesn't really hold up that great. There are some good bits throughout like I like the Hollywood Sound Effects guy
It's getting a little late so here's just a couple other Ernest things to see:
I already got drunk and bought a lyft got to come home so now i give my honest opinion as to what happened on hell in a cell 2014.
forst of all where was jack swagger and first of all wtf
second of all the first match
i like dolph giggler and all
but look at wrestling in the real world, and then look at who giggler is wrestling tonight
obviously who in the world is gonna win. we know and you know but wrestling isn't real so who wins? giggler and not cesaro but i like cesaro but who cares because I'm shitty and my life matters not. but obviously if the world is real cesaro is the best of the championsjgop
next match,
nikolai volkbella
vs,
nikita koloffbella
who cares they both look the same bria bella bell mode is married to daniel bray but she can't do yes yesy yes right so fuck her and fuck life and i die and you die and fort king and animal raps
i hear voices is in m head they talk to me they understand the y talk to me
guess what you can make all the memes you want in the world but no matter what the people you want to win won't because john vrna is the rnay or ton brit guess what daniel btuan will retina wrestle mania 40 so fuck you.
fuck you versus
fuck you versus make the world nice and we care about each other and the world lover each outer
guess what hate wins because the asshle wins and life is bad because sheamus is a shit
big show versus
rsueb
oh hey stupid guess what america is willy nelson and woody harrelson and big show aint america so fist your ass up tousled
aj lee
versues paigemaster
who givers a shit because theres two good wwe divas.
they are
nattie neidhart
and
charlotte flair.
everybody else is a date of time even cm punk aj lee
when charlotte and nattie are wrestling for the divas wwe title divas will matter until then fuck you eat shit motherfucker.
oh yeah there was one really good match
dean ambrose
vs,
seth rollins
look this was a great match and the future of wwe.
there shoufl have been blood but guess what bray wyatt came back
now we get bray wyatt vs team abmros and wrestling is good again and my life is work living and i won't jump off a beige
but you son of a bitch i need daniel bryan so much and i need wade barrett so much
and also can macho man please be alive again and live forever?
Well, sometimes to make some extra cash I have to be an audience extra.
Which means that any tv shows that have a studio audience and that you couldn't imagine anyone voluntarily wanting to go watch that show in person usually have to hire people like me to go sit in the audience and pretend to clap and be excited for minimum wage. www.standingroomonly.tv
This morning I was booked to be an audience extra for "Comics Unleashed With Byron Allen."
(I'm actually in the audience for this episode maybe you can find me if you look hard enough)
Comics Unleashed is a pretty ironic title because these comedians are technically completely leashed.
Byron Allen asks them only questions to lead them into bit from their standup routine. There's literally no non-act banter allowed it seems like so they're pretty much 100% leashed.
If you'll notice, Byron Allen asks these people completely random questions that have nothing to do with anything anyone is talking about.
Also, even though there is a paid studio audience, they clearly have to add laugh track to most of those jokes.
Try sitting through like six of those episodes in a row at home on your couch comfortably, then imagine doing it in a hot studio crammed between a bunch of random people you've never met for like 8 hours.
Its not the worst thing you could be doing I guess. Still its not great.
Plus everybody who works there treats you like shit.
Anyway, the reason today stood out was that one of the guests was Cameron Esposito.
She has a new comedy album recently put out by the record label Kill Rock Stars.
So heres my KillRockStars story.
This one time, Portia, the president of the KillRockStars label began emailing back and forth with my band Manhattan Murder Mystery.
Eventually after a few weeks of talking about what are plans were and stuff like that, she tells me that she's coming into town the next weekend and she wanted to know if I could set up a show that Friday somewhere so that she could come watch us play.
The date she asked us to play just also happened to be my birthday.
So I guess I got a little bit excited because the president of a fairly big record label seemed to like our band a lot and wanted to come see us play on my birthday. So it looked like all the hard work finally paid off.
I set up a show at the F House specifically just for her to see us.
Jon Barba played too.
People made me a birthday cake.
We had a pretty good show I think.
Portia came.
I talked to her for a while.
After we finished playing I didn't see her around.
Also I didn't hear from her for a long time.
I emailed her a couple times and she basically strung us along.
It was always stuff like "big fan, let me know when you play in Portland" stuff like that.
When we did play in Portland she wouldn't come.
Now a couple years have passed and I'm pretty much assuming its not gonna work out.
So there I was today, somebody she signed to her label was getting interviewed on national television while I have to sit through it miserable to try and earn enough money to buy a bottle of whiskey so that I can get drunk at the show I'm playing at later.
I guess the only revenge I'll ever get is that MMM is working on a new album right now and its called "KillRockStars" and its pretty much about all that and they're probably not gonna be into releasing that one either.
However, before that album comes out….
These dudes randomly heard us on KXLU a couple months ago and they hit us up and were just like "hey I don't know you but I wanna make a video for that song I heard on KXLU."
We said yes.
This is it:
